Saturday: I would just like to clear something up right now. Helen Mirren is not actually the Queen of England. There appears to be a danger of confusion. In some weighty publications, the headline “The Queen: I love cocaine”. In fact, it was the glamorous Ms Mirren who confessed to an earlier drug indulgence, not Her Royal Highness herself. There – I’m pleased I was able to clarify that before things got out of hand. Sunny.

Sunday: While driving along the road, I came across a two-mile traffic jam – blocking three lanes no less. What was causing this unfortunate tailback? At the front of the queue, a policeman appeared to have stopped a cyclist. What for I’m not sure, but it could have been something to do with the live swan under his arm. What crime he had committed, I’m still confused, but it must have taken quite a lot of explaining. Dry.

Next week: Apparently the world was going to end after we went to press yesterday (Wednesday), so there is a small chance no one will even read this. But on the off-chance we don’t all die in a large black hole, I’d like to say I knew the world wouldn’t end. Otherwise I would have predicted it in the weather – you know, Saturday, rain; Sunday, drizzle; Next week, dry spells followed by destruction. But I knew it wouldn’t happen, honest. Unsettled.