Saturday: Inglorious bleating from our sister paper's rivals as they finally managed to upload a breaking news story before us. Although they managed to spell the word occasion incorrectly, we shan't split hairs. There was also some strange boasting on the same day from them about a visit from David Cameron, despite the fact we reported the news first. I smell a feud. Windy.

Sunday: I'd like to bring a long-running dispute into the open. Is it acceptable for a man to openly eat a Flake when so many other chocolate bars are available? There is something distinctly feminine about the flakiest of all the chocolate bars, crumbling everywhere and not a patch on a KitKat Chunky. Some may disagree, but they probably eat Flakes as well, so their views don't count. Rain.

Next week: Thank you so much to the reader who sent me a most unexpected gift. Deeply Concerned of Harrow was so worried by my predicament after I threatened to eat my hat if Lee McQueen won The Apprentice they sent me an edible hat. As grateful as I am for this wonderful gesture, it does bring the prospect of eating a hat somewhat closer. I really hope he doesn't win now. Showers.

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